Convenience vs. Nessesity

Utilitarianism? Is that the most reasonable way to look at life? I give--you take, you give--I take. What is it you can offer me? Affection, attention, love. Is that what it comes down to? Being convenient and offering my utility. Maximizing usefulness. And when I am no long "useful", will I be tossed out?

Interesting. Full of questions and does not necessarily want answers. These are just little fluffy thoughts in my mind, that I wanted to clean out.

Although I would not want to be of any neccessity to anyone, ever, it is nice to feel needed. Needed isn't the right word. Wanted. We need air to breathe, we want laughter to enjoy life.

To me, that's what it comes down to.

Nostalgic but otherwise, content

I'm sure everyone at one point in their lives have considered complacent failure. By this I mean, the consideration and recognition of their willingness to accept defeat. After a long battle filled with tears, blood, and gore, victory seems so far away that waving a white flag seems the ultimate end to this insanity. Enough of the metaphorical explanation. I'm scared. I'm very scared right now. I feel a mixture of emotions actually...here's why:

At the moment, I have the choice to put my heart into this guy's hands, and a huge part of me wants to take that journey with him, however I think a bigger part of me realizes he is not ready for this--and so I'm left holding my heart in my hands. Do you hear violins, 'cause I sure do.
It's quite pathetic I'm aware, however, being a piscean woman, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am a hopeless romantic. I am that girl that loves to stay in on Friday nights and watch old movies and eat ice-cream. I am that girl that cries when she hears a beautiful song, or witnesses an act of kindness. That's me. I am, what I like to call myself, a "mushball."

And so, I know if I let myself fall for this boy, it's all over. I'll be a wreck, as what usually happens in any story regarding unrequited love. I'm not in love, don't be mistaken. Neither of us are. In fact, he's never been in a relationship. Ever.

I am his first attempt at connecting with another person on more than a friendly level. He doesn't know what emotional attachment is. He doesn't know what love does to a person--it's brutal and barbaric and wonderful.

I guess I'm feeling so uneasy because I know what it's like to fall in love, and I am so scared of doing so again. But more than that, I'm scared of falling in love with someone who doesn't know how to love back. It just gets so messy and painful.

"Keep it light"; "see where it goes"; "have fun"; "go with it".

Sure. You say this to me, the girl who'd fall in love with anything that said it loved her.