Convenience vs. Nessesity

Utilitarianism? Is that the most reasonable way to look at life? I give--you take, you give--I take. What is it you can offer me? Affection, attention, love. Is that what it comes down to? Being convenient and offering my utility. Maximizing usefulness. And when I am no long "useful", will I be tossed out?

Interesting. Full of questions and does not necessarily want answers. These are just little fluffy thoughts in my mind, that I wanted to clean out.

Although I would not want to be of any neccessity to anyone, ever, it is nice to feel needed. Needed isn't the right word. Wanted. We need air to breathe, we want laughter to enjoy life.

To me, that's what it comes down to.

Nostalgic but otherwise, content

I'm sure everyone at one point in their lives have considered complacent failure. By this I mean, the consideration and recognition of their willingness to accept defeat. After a long battle filled with tears, blood, and gore, victory seems so far away that waving a white flag seems the ultimate end to this insanity. Enough of the metaphorical explanation. I'm scared. I'm very scared right now. I feel a mixture of emotions actually...here's why:

At the moment, I have the choice to put my heart into this guy's hands, and a huge part of me wants to take that journey with him, however I think a bigger part of me realizes he is not ready for this--and so I'm left holding my heart in my hands. Do you hear violins, 'cause I sure do.
It's quite pathetic I'm aware, however, being a piscean woman, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am a hopeless romantic. I am that girl that loves to stay in on Friday nights and watch old movies and eat ice-cream. I am that girl that cries when she hears a beautiful song, or witnesses an act of kindness. That's me. I am, what I like to call myself, a "mushball."

And so, I know if I let myself fall for this boy, it's all over. I'll be a wreck, as what usually happens in any story regarding unrequited love. I'm not in love, don't be mistaken. Neither of us are. In fact, he's never been in a relationship. Ever.

I am his first attempt at connecting with another person on more than a friendly level. He doesn't know what emotional attachment is. He doesn't know what love does to a person--it's brutal and barbaric and wonderful.

I guess I'm feeling so uneasy because I know what it's like to fall in love, and I am so scared of doing so again. But more than that, I'm scared of falling in love with someone who doesn't know how to love back. It just gets so messy and painful.

"Keep it light"; "see where it goes"; "have fun"; "go with it".

Sure. You say this to me, the girl who'd fall in love with anything that said it loved her.

As if I need another distraction...

I guess I do, I'm here aren't I? I've never blogged before, and somehow I feel like anything I have to see isn't of much importance, and most likely won't be read. I'm interested in just how many "bloggers" there are on the internet, and how many of them feel the same way. Writing is my passion, and because of school being over, I now have little reason to sit at a computer and write...so I will do it here. I will write. Write about what? No idea. Well none quite yet.

Are these things supposed to make sense? Am I supposed to continue on the same train of thought or am I allowed a tangent every now and again? Blogging...what an interesting concept.

It's 6:58pm. I have an exam tomorrow morning at 9am. Marketing geography. GGR252. Who knows what possessed me to take a marketing class. I'm a Shakespeare, Napoleon, Virginia Woolf, Franz Ferdinand type of girl, and somehow, my brain decided marketing would serve as the best way to get the social science course credit I need. Thanks brain, thanks a lot.

I could stay here and continue writing away, as well as continue asking myself just why I'm doing so, but I really should get back to my census tracts and Huff models.

My last post sounds oddly like this one. Amazing how I only end up on this blogsite when I'm procrastinating...amazing.

Focus.

Isn't it strange that when you know you have tons to do, your mind wanders and chooses to think about anything and everything except what it is you have to do? Being a first year university student isn't exactly easy. The transition from high school to uni is a terrifying thing--but probably the most exciting transition that's ever happened to me. The whole experience is a juggling act.
Prepare to be amazed!
Haha, as if.
On one hand we juggle our social life, on the other our academic career. On our left foot we juggle our part time jobs and on our right our family. Bouncing back and forth is exhausting, and as we find ourselves leaning towards the left or right we end up here, on blogger.com, venting about all the things we should be doing, but choose not to.
Right now I should be reading about Mussolini and his italian fascist party--digging through my books trying to find out exactly what it is he did that made his fascist party so successful.
I should also be reading books about Iraq to prove that the protoliterate period (jemdet-nasr) was the first true civilization.

Oh the places my mind goes...

This is a lame first post, I know. But Mussolini is now on his knees begging me to read about his tactics and "fame". Yeah, yeah Mussolini I hear you; I'm coming. No need to yell.